I have to finish my lesson plan on Alexander Pope tonight for my 9:00 class tomorrow. This is something I must do. I just got broken up with on the phone. It's okay, he didn't have a choice. That's the thing with long distance relationships. He didn't want to make me wait. He really is a very decent and kind man. I'm a bit heartbroken right now, kind of shaky. The thing is, really, that I'm by myself in my room and it's very, very cold outside and I guess you could say that I'm not sure how to have a decent catharsis to calm down my brain to help me focus on the work at hand.
I just read part of a book tonight about a Mormon pioneer woman who gives birth in the woods while she is looking for medicinal plants for her sick son. She had it way worse than me.
And I just saw this movie Terminal for the first time and Tom Hanks had it way worse than me.
I'm really trying not to make light of this. The truth is, I'm weeping like a dumb little kid right now. I've never been good at the breakup thing. I don't know how to let go. I feel like I've failed. Seriously, how long can a girl keep at this, you know? How many times do I have to go through this kind of pain before I find true love? I try not to be jealous of my young students and their pure, light loves and early marriages, their rings by spring. I'm really trying not to be jealous.
My heart is heavy, but I went to a talk once by Elder Holland when he came to a stake conference in Mesa, Arizona. He told us that Heavenly Father loves broken things. He said that from broken sky comes rain, from broken earth comes grain, and from broken grain comes bread. He says Heavenly Father just loves broken things and when we bring Him our broken hearts, he takes such good care of them on his altars, he is so tender with them and if we sit really patiently and let him work with our broken hearts, he sends us off with a stronger heart than the one we had before it broke.
Ah.........seriously, there is no worse feeling than this. It just echoes and mirrors all the broken places and scars from before. But it does feel a bit good to cry quite a bit. It feels cathartic, not depressing. I'm going to read Pope's poem about Eloisa and Abelard, they had it way worse than I do. Abelard got castrated for crying out loud and Eloisa became a nun.
If my ex-fella is reading this, thanks for letting me down easy. I've never had a phone breakup before, now I know that I hate them. I don't feel any kind of closure except that now I've posted it on the world wide web and maybe that helps me make it real. Darren is a good man, and he'll be great for some girl, somewhere.
And I am going to try to not feel like a failure and just breathe in the air real easy and watch for those little perfect moments, you know? When I was a missionary, I always saw butterflies when things got hard. Even then, I realized how cheesy that was. But they were heaven sent, I'm sure of it, and every time I felt low and a big black and purple butterfly did a quick circle around me and flew up to make me notice the sky, I sure felt damn good. I think all the butterflies in Rigby are dead or hibernating or flew south or whatever they do, but I'll be on the lookout for something tomorrow, and I'll let you guys know if I see anything really beautiful.
Sorry for this confessional post. I think I can finish my evening's work now.
Two mondo posts in one day.......I don't think I'll need to blog again for a week at least.
19 comments:
Hey Gilz,
I think that my sister is in Rexburg this week. You should maybe go out to my parents' place and say hello to her. she could use your company, and you could probably use hers.
Call her.
I've been thinking of something meaningful and, ultimately, life-changing to share. I've got nothing. But I can say that if you'd like to revisit the scene of the crime -- the telephone -- and engage in a conversation that will end in laughter and not tears, you can call me any time, day or night. I'll send you my number on Facebook. It hasn't changed in eight years.
a pox on him. side hug.
Oh my poor little Em. I am truly sorry. I had real hope for this one...you can ask Aaron...I told him so. There is nothing worse than heartbreak...I wallowed in mine forever. Call me. I have a video conference tonight with Elders Bednar and Scott (actually they are having one with our YM and YW...I am just lucky enough to be there), but I will be home until 6ish though. Miss you.
Oh, Em. I don't know why dating is so hard. All the things that you probably don't want to hear right now are all the things I can think to say--you're awesome and beautiful and smart and if I were a dude I would TOTALLY date you. But only if you wore your Sixteen Candles skirt on our first date, because then I would know it was love. MISS YOU! If only there was some reason you needed to come to Nebraska . . . feel any need to pay tribute to Willa Cather? Nah, okay, didn't think so.
I do not judge you. But I don't think I personally know anyone who could pull off a post this personal in so perfect a way--only YOU could.
From the same talk you quoted by Elder Holland, given in a different stake:
"We have to remember this, that happiness will come again."
"Sometimes it feels as if the sun is coming up for our neighbor but not for us."
"When long days and nights do come, remember that God loves broken things. He must, because there are so many of them. I think we could make the doctrinal case that the thing God loves more than anything else is a broken heart and a contrite spirit."
"There are great cycles of life - giving, taking, receiving, losing."
"It takes a broken cloud to make rain; broken ground to grow a seed; broken grain to make food; broken bread to bring us together with our Savior"
I am sorry for your broken heart, My Emily Von Gillzy. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Once, when I was like 10, my mom had tulips growing in our front flower beds, and the ground was hard and cracked. There was this one poor little tulip right next to the front steps leading up to our porch... the cracked ground hadn't broken into little pieces to let this poor flower through to the sunshine. There was a huge chunk of earth on top of the flower, making it so very hard for it to reach that coveted light. And so the neighbor girls and I decided to take that chunk of earth off the flower... to help it. But once all of the tulips had bloomed, and all the hard dirt had fallen away, the flower we had 'helped' was the ugliest one. It was deformed and weak. I think Heavenly Father does love broken things. Those darn hardships... those chunks of dry, hard earth... that keep us down, those are the things that make us strong! I love you. I know how it feels to think you've found something and someone that could possibly make you happy forever, only to have it end abruptly, or badly. But remember!!! If someone takes that chunk of earth away, you won't be as strong as you could be! As Charlotte the spider says: "Chin up." I sure love you!
Sorry, Em.
I know the crippling feeling that comes with a broken heart.
Here's to hoping Elder Holland was right.
You are not a loser and you have not failed. It is hard not to think of it that way. I feel that way about my marriage all the time. Oh the "if only(s)" out there.
I love the thoughts about broken things and God's love for them. I'm glad you posted this just so I could get that thought. Selfish.....
you'll be okay. Don't think you are asking for too much. You'll find what you want and it will be better than you imagined.
And yeah, no chance of butterflies. Maybe head over to the Romney? building (is that the science one) and find some bug collections to look at. They have it way worse off than you. :)
Hey Em. Sorry to hear the news of your breakup. A gigantic cache of cliches are building up in my mind now, but I promise they all apply!
Sherry and I hope you can come visit us again soon. This does make that a bit more possible, at least . . .
gillz..
you've weathered worse, and your heart is self-mending, yours especially. you are superbly resilient, and well aware that there are worse feelings lurking out there.
take a gander at something that I know cannot fail to brighten your mood (somewhat at least)
you ought to go to my parent's house. Marilyn would take you in, fix you some cocoa, set you by the fire, put on Lord of the Rings...think about it.
joe
PS..."mulgangs"...i had to type "mulgangs" to post this. a group of rustlers who rode the ancient west stealing spices for ciders. "mulgangs"
Even when we are broken and feel like we don't work, the Lord still uses us to bless the lives of others as instruments in His hands. Hard to imagine. Thank you for being that instrument in healing apart of my brokenness.
Man, I'm sorry =(
Grifter, maybe this is tacky for me to write, but that . . . um . . . statue? art? abomination? . . . brightened MY day!
becca---
it is the new golden calf. seen in person, it makes the whole room shine.
and if you don't see it that way, it is at least good for a larf. i do know that gillz has a soft spot for this particular sculpture.
cheers
Becca, it is true and Joe knows me well. And yes, it is Michael Jackson and his monkey, Bubbles. And yes, it is ceramic. The artist's name is Jeff Koons and he does brilliant work if you ever want a good google image experience.
Anyway, thank you Joe for the link and thank you Becca for other gems from Elder Holland's talk....you wouldn't happen to have the full text somewhere, would you??? Did you hear it in person, too? My favorite part was all the yelling. I've never been so happy to be yelled at in my life.
I hate break ups...it always feels like your best friend just died...but worse cause you know that they are still going about life doing all the goofy things that you grew to love in another corner of the world. I enjoyed reading your quotes about broken things. I think we all feel that way sometimes and it is good to have some hope to hold onto. I always read Isaiah when I am feeling that way cause I often need a little reminder of God's exchange rate.
ashes=beauty
mourning=joy
spirit of heaviness=praise
ruined places=built
desolate=planted
desert=pools of living water
Email me and I will send them to you. becca underscore lastname at hotmail.
Hope your classes are going well. Nice to have a weekend, I imagine
Ah, Gilz. I know I'm a few days after the fact, but I wish I could just hug you. That's all I would even know to do. Words don't really fix this stuff, do they? Well..some do. For a little while. But it's that whole bringing your heart to the altar and letting it be made whole again to a entirely new level of perfection. But I just hope you're so much better at allowing yourself to be pulled out of the muck than I was last time. But you're so much better at a LOT of things than I am; clarity being one of them. This is why I should have just stuck with the hug. I love you.
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