Last week I found myself at an informal high school buddy reunion in Clinton, Utah. I held their babies, laughed behind the back of my hand at a poor 4-year-old boy who hated everything and everyone and showed it, and let two toddlers hand-feed me trail mix like I was a baby doe at the zoo. I discussed morning commutes with the husbands and let my long lost girlfriends tell me my "time will come" and someone is bound to come along and discover the hidden marriageable gems within my prickly and childish skin. I have to say I enjoyed my time with the babies most of all. I like having my hair petted and food jammed between my teeth. Most of you that frequent this page are already wedded and bedded and babied. So really, no, you cannot relate to this post. Let me be defensive here (grin, wink). More so than even fantasizing about a husband (I've long since swept those old dreams from my mind....I'm sure I'll be married eventually, but I'm afraid my standards aren't as lofty as I once envisioned. I wanted to marry Gilbert Grape, Laurie Laurence, Teddy Kent, Dr. Raymond Stantz, Jack Kelly, Dickon Sowerby. These people aren't real), I've begun to be haunted by unborn children.
Gross, right? I know. But what can I do? It's just happening! Whenever I take long drives or bike rides or walks, whenever I can't go back to sleep or I'm in the house by myself, I'm visited by dark, shaggy-haired little kids who are pretty good-natured for the most part and clever for their ages. Yeah, okay? I'm jealous. Envious. GREENLY envious. I secretly despise as much as admire all of you married and procreated blood brothers out there. I'm sorry! I'm apologizing! It is what it is. This is this. I feel as barren and desolate as the desert I came from. I am overwhelmed by the chain of events that must inevitably come before I have my son, my daughter. The time seems without boundaries--as vast and unpredictable as gray-clouded mornings that seem always just on the verge of breaking up or downpouring. Well.I find myself protective of my teenage girls at school. They know me pretty well now, and I am instilled with a confidence and gentle reproving that have led many girls to trust me with their stories and respect me for the expectations I hold with them. I adore them, and love several. I am proud of my girls who arrived a month ago, ornery and bristly as any catclaw I ever hiked through bare-armed, who come to class smiling now, joking with me and pelting me with bags of flour after I got them good in our Steal the Flag Flour War last Friday. I go home and weep for the tally marks they have cut into the fleshy sides of their forearms and biceps, their upper thighs.
I cry for the bastards who took advantage, who pressured them into so many addictions and depressions, for the parents who stocked their homes with alcohol, pot, pornography. I want to make a home for my girls. I want to be a home-builder. I want to mother and nurture and nest and beat off adversaries with beak and claw. I love going to work where everyone is working so hard at taking off masks, bearing what they strived for so long to hide away, secret into corners. Maybe that's why I'm unveiling my biological clock today, maybe I just want attention. Who knows where thoughts come from? They just do. Well, ghost kids really aren't that bad to have around. I promise I won't bring them along on any first dates. For my friends who have people to go home to tonight and dinners to make for all your hungry mouths, hug them extra tight tonight. I'm just saying, you can't be too grateful for what you have. I'll try to remember that myself. Over and out.
7 comments:
I'm not married either! :)
And I know what you mean about caring for other people's kids almost like they were your own in some strange way... I have a few friends who have children that I feel strangely close to, and it's weird how my inate (sp?) motherly instincts come out when I least expect them to.
And don't feel weird about having unborn children haunt you. Just this weekend I had dreams about having little toddlers running around and it was very strange indeed to think that something so wonderful and yet so... annoying? Yes. Annoying... could come out of me someday!
I am the married guy that shouldn't be saying anything at this point. But hey, I'll give it a shot anyway.
A friend from high school has an older sister. It took her a considerable amount of time to find someone to get married to. In the interim she filled her life with service to others. She'd travel to Africa to do humanitarian work, volunteer at just about every place that could use a hard worker, and spoke nicely to and about everyone she'd ever meet.
When she got married things changed. I herd another relative comment that she had her wings clipped. It was the saddest metaphor I've heard laid on someone.
Gillz, everyone had days where they don't enjoy their challenges. Newly married and hoping for kids, Chrissy and I were in Germany when we had a miscarriage. We had no family around. Kids were a top priority for our relationship. Sadly, for four months afterwards the doctor mis-diagnosed the pregnancy as "molar"--a type of tumor that grows instead of a fetus. We were told we'd never be able to have kids.
I can't tell you what it was like to plead on my knees that the doctor would be wrong. How I saw it affect my wife was even worse. Her childhood ambition was shattered. I had to humble myself enough to learn how to be compassionate to her emotional needs. There was a lot of growing up going on during that time.
I can't tell you why you're still single. I'd have considered you extremely marriageable material two years ago when you 'taught' my English class.
You know why I read your blog and listened to you in class? You're someone who tackles unique challenges. The ones you take on don't make sense to me, but you do it. It's what makes you, you.
You may not get asked this very much, but how do I get my daughter to grow up and be like you? I'm hoping someday to get a serious answer.
I've had too many of those feelings of previews appear as reality in life to share anything specific. At some point they'll be there. I'm just hoping as you're reaching out for them you don't end up with your wings clipped.
If I were a doctor I'd be recommending a pint of your favorite Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream (It's Organic--that means it's ok :-) and a massage--there's actually a massage therapy school in Orem you could visit [link]. $50 goes a long way. Take care!
Gilz, there are a million things I love about you, but the one I'm thinking right now is how much I love you for always just writing exactly what you think, no matter what it's about. Inwardly, I sigh and wish I were as talented a writer as you. However; I have to agree with you on the enjoying more being around the kids than the never-ending sentiments of "someday your prince will come." The kids let me forget about the current realities of life. :)
And don't worry...I think I've been finding my phantom future children for at least 2 or 3 years now. *sigh* It's weird but strangely cool, isn't it?
Also, I think your friend had a point about everyone having their challenges. (Although I still maintain that some challenges are...well...some people just make me mad.) A friend from high school recently sent me a message on facebook telling me about her marriage falling apart and how tired she is of taking care of her two kids; how she wishes she'd had more "easy time" like I "still have." She proceeded to tell me how luck I am that my life is so easy, uncomplicated, and that the only person I have to worry about is myself.
I wanted to punch her.
Even though I know she didn't mean it probably in quite the way I took it, it just was screaming out to me how easy it is for those on the married side to be blind to the challenges opposite their own.
But then again - while I'm not in a rush to chase away any experiences I should be having at this point of my life, I think it's just preparing me to treasure more the times ahead. I don't think either one of us will suffer from the feeling of our wings being clipped. Waiting makes you appreciate things more, no matter your lot in life.
This is incredibly long, I am nowhere near done, but I'm signing off anyway. Lol. :)
Gillz,
If you have ghost kids, then what you need is a "Ghost Dad". See: Bill Cosby.
Bah, I have no perfect answers for you. Most of these people are better friends than me, considering we've met once, that I know of. (I knew about you up at school I thought. Did you know of me? Just wondering.)
I think the church sometimes (cultural church not actual gospel church) puts strange pressures on us. Life is too unpredictable, too full of non-patterns to try to follow some trumped up supposed pattern of mate finding for eternity.
Who knows? Val and I never got one confirmation we were supposed to be together. Why do others? We haven't felt ready to have kids yet and tomorrow is our four year anniversary. Why do others pump out kids?
Just hold on. Stop trying to impose other people's lives on your own. I keep reading Frost's biography to be more like him and it's not working.
Interesting post and comments all around. I have to say, it is always greener. And while I wouldn't trade Landon away for anything, there are a lot of days I'd trade Jeff for a pint of that Ben and Jerry's.
First of all, there is no "prince" coming. What comes in marriage is a lot of a joy and a lot of sorrow. The person who makes you feel the most wonderful is also the person that can make you feel worse than ever. I think we all have ideals growing up, getting married to the perfect man, starting a family, and being the BEST MOM EVER!
In YW they don't teach you how much work, how much heartache, how painful, what a real struggle it is sometimes. I"m not saying it isn't worth it...but (and I say this with now doubt in my mind that you'll be married and having 10 kids soon) I think you'll look back and be so grateful for all the experiences that have shaped you during this time when so many other people ran off and got married. What you do now is helping you be a better mom later.
Yeah it sucks to wonder. I didn't get married till 26 and I still have friends who aren't married (approaching 30) and I see what they are struggling with. But I also see most of them embrace the chances they have before they do get "tied down".
Like another commenter said, you probably want to punch me in the face for saying it, but it really is greener no matter where you are. I'll let you borrow Landon, Ellie two dogs, two fish, to birds, one grumpy husband, a house that is never clean, bills that never end, an ex-wife, a sprinkler system that doesn't work, and a mountain of laundry for a week to prove it to you. :)
I liked the "greener" comment...
Two quotes I have to remind myself with every once in a while:
"When the grass is greener on the other side, fertilize your own."
(Like you said - be grateful for what you have)
And:
"Happiness is finding peace with the stage of life you are in."
(I often wish away my life too quickly)
Love you!
I love James' comment "Life is too unpredictable, too full of non-patterns . . . ." Tomorrow you'll win an Italian villa in Tuscany or step off a cliff and die. (I didn't know you two have only met once. You're so intrinsically tied up together with other close friends in my mind.)
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