When I was a kid, I used to get the stomach flu every Christmas season because I was so excited it would make me sick. I bit my tongue eight years in a row in the middle of the night...opening Christmas presents still makes my mouth a little sore in remembrance of those days. For the first time in years, I can't sleep on Christmas Eve. Not that I've been particularly trying to. The Gilliland kids used to stay up til 2:30 a.m. playing board games and giggling, but this year Amanda and Will were asleep by one, and only because I made them stay up watching stupid YouTube videos with me (Amanda didn't believe me that Harrison Ford co-starred with Beatrice Arthur in the 1970s' Star Wars Holiday Special and after watching ten straight minutes of horrible Wookiee ad-libbing sans subtitles, we were led to watch the trampolining, exploding head glory of the Turkish Star Wars from 1982). Now it's 2:30 and I've retreated to the hallway to say a few words here until I fall asleep. So if I say anything crazy, it's because I have temporary insomnia which is closely linked to temporary insanity.
There was snow on the trail last week, that's how I knew it must be Christmas soon. I've completely missed the malls decorated in candy canes and Rudolphs, the same old songs on all the crappy soft-rock stations, I haven't even watched any Christmas movies. It's been pretty non-traditional....somehow the occasional front yard saguaro lit up in colored lights hasn't quite made the Phoenix area very wintery (we still have temperatures in the mid-to-high 60s).
So what do I want to say at this time of night to no one in particular? Another year has passed us by, I'm a quarter of the way through this crazy ride if I live to be 100, I wish I were on the trail because home has been strange and bittersweet. It's always good to see the family, but I've been distant. On the trail we have blanket-steppings...two blankets are set up in a quiet, pretty spot. One blanket is covered in dirt, pine cones, ants, etc. and hopefully the blanket is pretty ragged and old. The other, in comparison, looks pretty good. You begin on the tattered blanket and listen to someone talk about new beginnings and the things we choose to carry with us in our lives and our hearts. Then you're asked to drop anything you are currently carrying that keeps you from walking forward. This refers first to things like cigarettes, drugs, other misc. contraband for the trail. But then you're asked to drop those things of the heart that weigh us down--anger, fear, worry, jealousy, grief, etc. I've said some goodbyes this week and they haven't been well-received, but I feel......older. I've never been a big advocate of those Moments people claim to have, when things are never the same again and everything pivoted on this one grand instance. For me it usually consists of several small subtle seconds in time that eventually accumulate and one day I suddenly realize things aren't how they used to be.
Well, I guess it will take a while to see if this new feeling of maturity lasts, but right now I feel very different. Don't get me wrong--I'll still watch Pete's Dragon when I get the urge and I'm still going to get the urge--but it's time I stopped playing around waiting for life to happen to me. This doesn't make any sense and none of you need to make any comments on this little soliloquy of mine, but I guess maybe it'll help me sleep if I shout out to the void of the Internet that I'm stepping up. I'm buying a bookshelf for my room because I'm going to live in Mesa at least until the summer and I shouldn't still be living out of my suitcase. I'm cleaning out my car. I'm getting health insurance. I'm going to use my passport this spring. I'm going to be worthy of people's trust. Even if this means having to say goodbye and let go. Socrates said the smarter people get, the stupider they should feel because the wider the circle of light gets in the darkness, the bigger the perimeter of darkness gets and our questions multiply exponentially. I feel like the better of a person I get, the worse of a person I feel......Maybe I'm looking for validation. Well, don't give it to me. I need to stew this over.
This Christmas I can't sleep not because I can't wait to open up a new computer game or Boba Fett action figure. This Christmas I can't sleep because I can't wait to open the real presents Christmas is supposed to represent--forgiveness, eternal companionship with true friends and family, love and acceptance and true understanding. I'm going to try to live more worthily to feel that and give that in deeper ways. I'm going to try to write future postings where I don't say "I" every seven to ten words. To all my sleeping friends, I hope the sugar plums are just a-dancing away in your heads. Merry Christmas to all of you, wherever you're celebrating this year. I'm so blessed to have such amazing friends...maybe my new mature and organized self will send out Christmas cards next year. We'll see.
No comments:
Post a Comment