Top Ten List: Memoirs of a Couch Potato, or How I Must Have Got My Bangs

There's lots about it I could say, but today I just don't feel like talking trail.

Instead, here's a list of the horrible sitcoms I wish I could watch a marathon of while I do laundry today. I don't have channels on the 15" television standing on a crate next to the faux fireplace in my apartment. The only movies my roommates own are musicals about Glenn Miller or old obscure Disney movies with the huskier teen Jodie Foster (but it's Candleshoe...I would totally watch Foster in Freaky Friday if we had it here and now).

So, without further ado, here's the top ten list of bad 80s sitcoms I would watch from now til 2 a.m. if I had access to a marathon of them. These are shows I would stay in my pajamas for, eat tuna casserole right out of the pot for, and grow bleary-eyed while eating ice cream after midnight for. But only on a laundry day.

10. Mr. Belvedere. One of television's greatest plugs for adult literacy, Mr. Belvedere's nightly journal-writes I believe are one of the reasons I decided to major in English in the first place. When he holds his not-really-his family close together from behind the couch, he is holding in a powerful safety net against loneliness and despair and even at eight-years-old I could understand this and even at 25-years-old I like to take the behind-the-couch stance for holiday family pictures. Even still, I wish I had an old-timey lamp to journal-write by at the end of the day, just before the credits roll.




9. Small Wonder.
It's a little red-headed girl who is a robot with the voice of a demon-possessed teenage boy smoker. What is not fabulous about that? And what better episode to start off with but the one when the little non-robot boy gives her a milkshake which makes her short out and spin around in short jerks and spasms, yelling out monotone nonsense.....what happened to that great little girl actress? She was a hoot. She really was a small wonder.




8. Clarissa Explains it All.
I hated this stupid show. But I used to watch hours and hours of it to avoid homework. I kind of want to watch hours and hours of it again just for the nostalgia of it. But I really did hate this stupid show. Melissa Joan Hart bugged me and I hated the way she'd just write her own computer games with such skill and ease. I was always trying to do that as a kid but never had the right stuff for it. But the IDEAS....I had the greatest ideas....I could've made millions, won awards....




7. The Adventures of Pete & Pete.
Before there was Salute Your Shorts and Hey Dude! there was Pete & Pete. I think this series was probably Nickelodeon's first real messed-up crazy original show since You Can't Do That on Television. It really paved the way for all the little TV shows they have now....it was a bit brilliant and more than a bit creepy and strange. The two brothers were both named Pete, and their adventures were nostalgic, generic, and as weird as anything Outer Limits could pull. Where Clarissa annoyed me, Pete & Pete disturbed me. I didn't fully enjoy either show, but I watched them both with a fascination and attention that lends towards lava lamp stupor. A real great theme song, always takes me back to lawn sprinklers when I hear it.




6. Laverne and Shirley.

I would like to be the Laverne to someone's Shirley (any takers?). I am THIS close to putting elaborate cursive E's on all of my shirts. Get rid of Squiggy and his side-kick and you have one fabulous way to kill a lazy afternoon.




5. Welcome Back Kotter.
Oh Vinnie Barbarino, you're such a babe. Who wouldn't want to be a sweathog? I still kind of want to name one of my boys Gabe. That's the kind of tender, warm influence Mista Kottair had on me as a young impressionable teen. Gabriel. I could pull off having a Gabriel.




4. Three's Company.
I've always been a sucker for Three's Company marathons. John Ritter is just so damned hot. John Ritter, wherever in heaven you are, I'm still in love with you. So darned cute. With his big ole' bell bottoms and pearly snap shirts and his adorably and comfortably predictive slapstick comic routines....he took Van Dyke's ottoman trips to whole new levels. I'm going to blog a whole entry on just Ritter one of these days.




3. Perfect Strangers.
I actually used to watch this one the fall of 2001 around 10:30, between classes at BYU-I. I would cook two packets of instant Quaker oatmeal, cozy up with myself on the couch, and watch two back-to-back episodes of Larry and Balky before having to be back up on campus for humanities. I lived with Cousin Erin at the time--ironically we have been referring to each other as Cousin Larry and Cousin Balky since the tender ages of ten and eleven. We'll both admit to have done the dance of joy together at Christmas parties in our day (I am Balky, obviously). And does anyone remember the creepy Halloween episode from the T.G.I.F. days? Scared the pantz offa me.




2. Mork & Mindy.
I grew up having an enormous crush on Robin Williams. I used to daydream about being Mindy (I always thought she had the cutest hair) and how Mork and I would go fly kites and fly around in giant eggs wearing red spandex with rainbow suspenders.....maybe this is too much information. Mork & Mindy was one of those big people TV shows I learned to look forward to watching with my Mom before kids my age should have had an interest in big people TV shows. And does anyone else remember when Mork showed up on episodes of Happy Days? I swear that was real.




1. Punky Brewster.
Back in our days, orphans were all the rage. What with Roald Dahl books, Pippi Longstockings and Escape to Witch Mountain, having no parents and making it all on your own was in. All great things happened to orphans and many of us birthed in the early 80s maybe even remember playing Orphans the way kids before us played House. Or maybe it was just me after all. In any case, Punky was probably the most influential television program for me as a child. I cried every time they played the episode where Cherry visits her parents' grave, and I cried when Punky's adopted father has a heart attack. I was on pins and needles when Punky's friend drank poison and Punky had to read the back of the bottle to know to give her milk (another 80s TV plug for literacy). I was so scared when Punky gets trapped inside the refrigerator while playing hide-and-seek. I felt like I was coming-of-age, too, when Punky put pudding in balloons and stuck them in her shirt to amuse her friends in that tree-house with different colored wooden steps nailed to the tree. Yes, I would watch Punky Brewster all day long and into the night if it were on.

Well, did I miss any?